When life feels hard...

Yesterday it took me 3 tries at going into the kitchen to start the dishwasher before it actually ran. The 1st attempt was likely the best, I put the soap in, closed the door and walked away without pushing start. The 2nd time I specifically came into the kitchen to start the dishwasher, got distracted and walked out. The 3rd time I was busy in another room and thought "wow, our dishwasher is pretty quiet" before I realized I hadn't started it, and then I quickly corrected the issues; 3 times is enough. A part of me can feel frustrated about this, but that wouldn't get the dishes any cleaner, or improve my memory the next time something came up. You see, lately I have been grieving, and grief messes with a person. 

Grief shows up in many different ways for different people. For me, the most dramatic things that happen are that I tend to forget the running to-do list I keep in my mind (even if I've written it down several times). This translates into me walking into rooms over and over, wondering why I went there or having to make several trips to gather all the things that I normally would collect at once (i.e. by a bonfire this weekend - I wanted a drink, a coat, the camera, a bone for the dog, etc, and instead of gathering this in one trip as I would normally do, I repeatedly put on and off my shoes as I returned over and over again to the house). Or running naked through the house because in the shower I suddenly wondered if now was when I was suppose to pick my friend up from the airport, or if it is later (thankfully it was later). See, it messes with me. Grief also makes me T.I.R.E.D., as in dead on my feet, wishing that 6:23 p.m. = bedtime instead of having to deal with life until 9:30/10 p.m. But it is what it is and thankfully I recognize that it is not me, but it's grief's affects on me. 

With that knowledge it means I have to be a bit more intentional (which is hard when you are grieving and life feels more like a struggle than normal). It means I have to be more accountable to my Skunk. I have to remember he is willing to help me if I use a secret weapon - communication. He is more than willing to pick up slack or help me remember what is on my many lists, if only I tell him. It also means that I get to practice discernment, because honestly it would feel better to be angry, especially at him,  than it would be to be sad about no longer having someone in my life. So I get to practice recognizing what my feelings really are, and then let myself feel them so they don't eat me, and my relationship to pieces.

That brings this midwestern girl to the most important thing I need to practice during this period of grief, gentleness. Being okay with this process and accepting that it is where I need to be right now, and that I don't have to be ashamed, feel guilty or put on a happy face just because it makes other people comfortable. It means being loving towards myself, and not pushing so hard all the time to get through, but instead considering what I am learning in this lowly place.  And oddly enough, it reminds me of a poem my Grandma Booher, whom I am mourning, used to quote. 

I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When sorrow walked with me.

-Robert Browning Hamilton

So today I will remember the words of Robert Browning Hamilton, and choose to be gentle with myself. Just please don't ask me how many time I attempted to pull out milk to warm before making the bread. I'll never tell. 

I'm not talking to you again until next year....

Well, here it is the close of another year. Growing up I always thought New Years Eve was a stupid holiday, I mean what is really different one day to the next, every day is really the last of that day you'll ever experience, so I just didn't get the hype.

Now as a grown up (yes, I am) I still think it is a rather crap holiday, but it's a needed crap holiday. You see New Years Eve symbolizes HOPE, and we all need a bit more of that. It represent fresh beginnings, and an opportunity for things to be different. While every day actual holds this opportunity, it is hard for us to see it.

It is human nature to become immune to the hope that springs up new with every rising of the sun, but on the days you can ward off the nature of taking things for granted...well those days are special. New Years is special because it allows you to do just that. Heck, it even encourages you to hold on to what you want most at midnight, and kiss it square on the lips (your welcome Skunk). 

So, this year I encourage you to hold on to Hope. Welcome it in your lives, and recognize that every day is a new beginning, and a chance to live the life that God has created you for. It could be even more awesome than you expect!

Happy New Year!

Uninvited...but we still like you.

Recently, Skunk & I have traveled farther down the rabbit hole. The heartache of miscarriages coupled with  time restrictions, and huge financial burdons (thank you very much insurance company, for sucking banannas) has made us prioritieze our lives differently. And we are embracing it, but well, to be honest, you are all not invited on this journey. Hence, me not writing very often, since this at times can be all consuming.

It is hard, and I am sure that given some time and distance from it I may some day wish to write about struggles with fertility, endometreosis, pollycystic ovarian syndrome and under-active thyroid, but for now...nope. It is our business, and if you'd like you can pray for us, think positive thoughts, and hope for news of a baby in the future...but please respect our wishes to maintain our intimacy as a couple and privacy.

Here is what I can say... I have always been a fan of listening to my body, and using that knowledge, but we are going extreme here and it messes with our schedule like crazy. For a girl who likes a plan, this can be a bit difficult at times.  My Skunk is as always the strength in this operation, and he is encouraging, loving, and fully embraces Tim Gunn's slogan, "make it work", so we are.

We are also faithful to God, and believe in His desire for good in our lives.We are hopeful, and it is okay for you to be hopeful too, even from afar.  Thanks!

Hello Mr. President.

I haven't been posting lately...mostly because everything I got fired up about and started to write about turned political, and I didn't want to be that kind of blogger. So... I haven't been posting the stuff I've drafted. Even though there was one very passionate one about a pastor abusing his power. But this morning, I can't help but express how elated I am!

Although my heart will always yearn for my Wisconsin roots, this morning I am truly proud to live in Minnesota. This year there were two amendments supporting discrimination on the ballot, and thank God both of them got voted down!! Whooo hooo!

So, this morning, I am very happy, excited, and glad that our country will continue to move forward toward progress for equality for all, and the preservation of rights.

my two year old self needs a time out

Hi All,

I find the enigma that is human existence fascinating, and not to sound too egocentric, but I am often fascinated by myself...  Seriously, why I do the things I do, how I know things, where thoughts came from, how my body moves just so... everything is a wonder at times. And again, not to sound too self involved, but God's awesomeness is shown in how he created me to be so utterly awesome, it causes me to stop and ponder, and thus exalt in His majesty (don't get me wrong I also marvel at how he created you, and I am especially fascinated with how he created my Skunk to be the complete Skunkyness that he is).  I could go even more into this simply by discussing the rotation of the ankle, seriously take a moment and look at how your ankle rotates and moves....fascinating design, simply ingenious.

Lately I've been fascinated by my own hypocritical nature when it comes to myself and patience. With clients, friends, and children I tend to exercise a lot of patience. I can wait out something like no body's business... the right moment, someone to feel comfortable enough with me to share something, rocking someone to sleep, etc. But with my interactions with myself, the patience evaporates quicker than the condensation on a mirror after a warm shower. Seriously, if it has to do with just me, I want it, and I want it now, and I have no sympathy for what gets in the way. (Yes, acknowledged that most therapists struggle with perfectionist standards that make them miserable,..but really? ).

Recently this has been getting me into more trouble than normal, because as is my kryptonite I tend to believe more in my ability to overcome than in the reality of slow change. I forget that if I simply slowed down, and took the time necessary for myself, my body, my mind, and my energy that I would have less to overcome. Novel idea, I know... but it is my struggle none the less. A few weeks ago a doctor encouraged me to increase a medication dosage by 75%. Although this was the original dosage a few years ago, I have only ever taken 25% because my body seriously rebels against this medication and sickness and misery follow. But, new doctor said do it, and I am a power through kind of girl...so yes last week I began gradually taking more, and I say gradually as in most days I forgot to take a second dose...so I gave myself the proverbial kick in the pants and decided this was the week.. And crap happy do I keep getting so sick. What's more, it is my own fault.

I KNOW I am suppose to gradually increase my dosage, over a 4 week period, and that last week didn't count since I was not consistent, so I really shouldn't be taking 75% in a day yet...but slap my hand, I just keep powering through, until..yep bathroom time, and vomit pails are my best friend.

So, today I've decided I need to place my two year old, want it my way, self in time out. Take things slower, and let my body recover a bit from the misery I keep inflicting. I will get to the 100% dosage, and I have to keep telling myself that it's okay if it takes a month to do it. Instead of getting angry with my sensitive body, I need to remember to rejoice in my sensitivity since it is also what makes me a good therapist, friend, and increases self-aware. So, today as I make yet another trip to the bathroom, I encourage you all to take a moment and be kind to yourself, forgive yourself, and give yourself the ultimate permission to be as God designed you, blessedly imperfect. 

Grappling with Failure

Lately I've been thinking a lot about failure, and what true failure looks like. I say true failure as if there is one definitive failure out there, but I recognize that everyone has their own perception of failure and what ultimate failure would really be for them. In recent years the term failure has passed around quickly and without much thought. I hear girls giggle and comment “fail” to each other. There are countless youtube videos depicting various "epic fail(s)".  It’s not just teenage girls though, adults joke with each other, and label something as simple as tripping over a rug as a “fail”.

Most of us can easily identify with failure to some extent in our lives. Lets face it, not many people can say they have exactly the life they always wanted. Most of us have struggled with failure at some point, whether it be for a moment, a day, or longer.

But for some of us, failure becomes more. It becomes that voice inside that says “your not good enough”, “you’re never gonna make it”, “you don’t deserve this”, “no one likes you”. That voice creates a raw vulnerability, and then we hear someone casually joke about our latest “fail”, and it feels like confirmation. We begin to think the voice was right; I am worthless. The failure has become internalized.

How easy is it to be successful, when you constantly feel like a failure? Internalized failure makes the simplest of tasks difficult, and defeats our confidence. It becomes a huge driving force that wreaks havoc on anything we set out to do. So with consequences as harsh as this, you can see how the casualness that we associate with failure has me concerned.


But here’s the thing. It doesn’t have to be that way.  Today I invite you to take back your life. Begin the dialogue with yourself to evict failure. Now hold on, I’m not telling you to be perfect. Cause trying to be perfect is the easiest way to feel like a constant failure.

Instead I am encouraging you to take steps to grapple with failure. To grapple means to change your position to one that is advantageous, and betters your chances of winning. This is usually a fighting term, but you are in a fight, and it’s important you win. It’s time to start turning the tables and working towards your best self. Here’s how:

1. Put it in perspective. Recognize that whatever you are not doing as well at right now in your life doesn’t have to be a failure, and even if it is, it doesn’t have to be an EPIC failure, or the true fail. Instead, it can be the next right step on the stepping-stone to your ultimate success.
2. Stop being mean to yourself. I mean it. If you wouldn’t say it to a 3-year-old child, don’t think it is okay to tell yourself. When those thoughts come up, reality check them, and if you can’t reality check them alone, share them with a friend or counselor who will help.
3. Be kind to yourself. Ask yourself what you really need to hear, and then say it, and say it frequently. Give yourself time, and space to move forward. Reward yourself when you do something small that went right, or for trying something hard. 
4. Don’t let others put you down. This might be hard, because sometimes circumstances put us in situations with people that are hard to deal with. The easiest way to do this is to surround yourself with people who are going to be real but also encouraging and supportive. Remember, put downs are not critical feedback, they are mean, unnecessary and often say more about the speaker than you. Make sure the people around you are speaking words of encouragement, and having faith in your best self. If the people around you are not like that, time to find some new people.

So, today if failure begins to creep in, remember to grapple. You can win this! 

Oh, Skunk!

Today is the anniversary of a great day! 30 years ago today my Skunk was born.
I am so thankful that he continues to make the world brighter, and my life happier.

In random order, 30 reasons my Skunk is awesome, and in no way nearly as stinky as a real Skunk.

1. He has these amazing eyebrows that animate the lamest of sentences and spring joy into stories and phrases. He really knows how to move them just right to convey feelings, thoughts and encourage bursts of laughter.

2. He is super strong, but doesn't look like he is going to break someone with a hug.

3. He's willing to hug people. As in my grandma says he is the best hugger, and he's not afraid to hug my friends to say hello, or hug nieces and nephews goodbye. And it's not one of those weird awkward hugs, he actually means his hug.

4. He takes the dog out to go potty late at night when I feel scared to go.

5. He reads to me. This started when we were dating and has transferred into a mostly when we travel thing, but it is great. He's read me Harry Potter Books, the Last Olympian Series, parts of the Borne Identity, and basically anything else he thinks we might find interesting. The best part ....

6. He does the voices, and adds the sounds effects when he reads to me. As in, "achoo" John sneezed, or "ah-hum" he coughed. It makes the books so much better.

7. He is like astrophysicist smart, but he doesn't make others feel stupid....and he is not socially awkward about it. So yes, he can explain that thing you just said you have no idea about, but he is smart enough to know that there is a time and place to explain it, and that some people really don't want to know or even care, so he doesn't brag or share what he knows unless the audience is right.

8. He squashes bugs, spiders, and any other creepy crawly that no one wants to deal with.

9. He genuinely wants to help people, and is okay with his wife volunteering his brains or brawn to help. Even when it means a sore back the rest of the week.

10. He is quick witted, and super funny.

11. He loves God, and is an amazing spiritual leader in our house hold. He prays over us when we need it, or when I am in a terrible mood, he blesses our food, and he encourages my alone time with God.

12. He is awesome with kids. As in rolling around on the floor, throwing them into the air, and racing around with them. And kids tend to love him. As in my nephew asks to talk to me on the phone, only so he can ask for his uncle. Maniacal laugh, yes I am the gateway to the uncle!

13. When I come downstairs he pauses his video game right away to hear when I have to say.

14. He brings a blow dart gun to a rat hunt. Blow dart gun as in, whoosh the power of his breath! You can read about it here.

15. He winks frequently.


16. He knows several songs by heart and sings them to me. The better part, in college he used to sing them over the PA system at the gas station he worked at when he was bored, or needed a little more joy during his shift.

17. He's very secure in who he is, and not afraid to show it. This makes him so easy to love, and amazing to be around.

18. He works out, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah.

19. He sets up all the technology stuff in the house, car, and makes sure the computer runs smooth

20. He doesn't get angry easy, even when I ask him to pose for silly pictures.

21. He is super ticklish and laughs so cute.

22. He remembers to kiss me before eating black licorice since I hate the taste.

23. He tries everything I cook even when it looks or smells bad, or after I've already labeled it as disgusting.

24. He dances in the kitchen with me.

25. On a regular basis, he checks in on how I think our relationship is going, and if there is anything I would like to be different.

26. He can do a back flip. And does.

27. He's started wearing shoes while running since barefoot running in the sun makes his feet burn, and his wife worry.

28. He'll try watching a show he doesn't think he'll like just because I like it.

29. He works REALLY hard, and doesn't complain when things go unappreciated.

30. He likes to play and be silly. If that means wrapping himself up in bubble wrap so be it.

There are so many more reasons why my Skunk is simply amazing, and keeps me infatuated with him everyday. Its a wonder his head is normal sized even though he is so amazing that it could be gigantic.He is Amazing, and I am honored to get to know him and love him.

Happy Birthday Skunk!