The best babysitter

Sunday will be the 1 year anniversary of our miscarriage. Earlier this month we were feeling hopeful and optimistic about how we would deal with the anniversary.  You see we were pregnant again, and excited about the hope and possibilities that the new life held. Then this Monday we received devastating news. We were losing this baby too.

I don't have words to adequately describe the heartache we've experienced over this year. Now, coupled with this raw new loss our hearts again have been in shards. And there are moments that we don't know what to do next.

To say that this year has been difficult is an understatement. We have gotten to know way more about infertility treatments, and have sunk more money into the possibility of a new life in our family than we ever expected. But now with this second loss, it simply feels like we are in the same place as last year, only worse. And we are tired, so very tired.

2 Flowers from last years memorial garden

I've been thinking a lot about the babies we have lost. Although it has been an unwilling release, being a woman of faith, I believe our children now have the best babysitter caring for them. Our Lord Jesus has the privilege of getting to cradle our baby, and care for it until we have a chance to meet again. Also knowing some of our relatives who have gone on, I believe my grandfathers, and Skunk's grandfathers are taking turns holding our new little one, and keeping it wrapped in love for us.

Things are not okay, and they don't feel like they ever will be, but we know at some point things will not hurt so bad, and we may even begin to feel hope again. Until then we are comforted by the knowledge that we have each other, and that God holds our future and has a plan. We are tearful, and disappointed in the dreams we had for our little one that can never come true, but we rejoice in the knowledge that the children we've lost will never know pain, and will only experience love. They will always only know a perfect love, from a divine creator, and from our hearts here on earth.