I find the enigma that is human existence fascinating, and not to sound too egocentric, but I am often fascinated by myself... Seriously, why I do the things I do, how I know things, where thoughts came from, how my body moves just so... everything is a wonder at times. And again, not to sound too self involved, but God's awesomeness is shown in how he created me to be so utterly awesome, it causes me to stop and ponder, and thus exalt in His majesty (don't get me wrong I also marvel at how he created you, and I am especially fascinated with how he created my Skunk to be the complete Skunkyness that he is). I could go even more into this simply by discussing the rotation of the ankle, seriously take a moment and look at how your ankle rotates and moves....fascinating design, simply ingenious.
Lately I've been fascinated by my own hypocritical nature when it comes to myself and patience. With clients, friends, and children I tend to exercise a lot of patience. I can wait out something like no body's business... the right moment, someone to feel comfortable enough with me to share something, rocking someone to sleep, etc. But with my interactions with myself, the patience evaporates quicker than the condensation on a mirror after a warm shower. Seriously, if it has to do with just me, I want it, and I want it now, and I have no sympathy for what gets in the way. (Yes, acknowledged that most therapists struggle with perfectionist standards that make them miserable,..but really? ).
Recently this has been getting me into more trouble than normal, because as is my kryptonite I tend to believe more in my ability to overcome than in the reality of slow change. I forget that if I simply slowed down, and took the time necessary for myself, my body, my mind, and my energy that I would have less to overcome. Novel idea, I know... but it is my struggle none the less. A few weeks ago a doctor encouraged me to increase a medication dosage by 75%. Although this was the original dosage a few years ago, I have only ever taken 25% because my body seriously rebels against this medication and sickness and misery follow. But, new doctor said do it, and I am a power through kind of girl...so yes last week I began gradually taking more, and I say gradually as in most days I forgot to take a second dose...so I gave myself the proverbial kick in the pants and decided this was the week.. And crap happy do I keep getting so sick. What's more, it is my own fault.
I KNOW I am suppose to gradually increase my dosage, over a 4 week period, and that last week didn't count since I was not consistent, so I really shouldn't be taking 75% in a day yet...but slap my hand, I just keep powering through, until..yep bathroom time, and vomit pails are my best friend.
So, today I've decided I need to place my two year old, want it my way, self in time out. Take things slower, and let my body recover a bit from the misery I keep inflicting. I will get to the 100% dosage, and I have to keep telling myself that it's okay if it takes a month to do it. Instead of getting angry with my sensitive body, I need to remember to rejoice in my sensitivity since it is also what makes me a good therapist, friend, and increases self-aware. So, today as I make yet another trip to the bathroom, I encourage you all to take a moment and be kind to yourself, forgive yourself, and give yourself the ultimate permission to be as God designed you, blessedly imperfect.